I do not necessarily believe that the act of sex between 2 consenting adults of the same gender makes one gay or lesbian. 

So, what do I think makes one heterosexual or homosexual…when you have “romantic feelings” towards a specific gender.  I mean, anyone has the ability (maybe not the desire) to have relations with the same/opposite gender – but romantic feelings is something else.  It cracks me up when I hear others say, “He likes having sex with men, so that makes him gay.”  Generally, I do not say anything when I hear that (most people saying that to me do not have the maturity to have this conversation anyway) however, I want to discuss how I and a number of prominent psychiatrists, psychologists, and sociologists feel about the subject.  There are heterosexual men who get “paid” to have relations with other men (male prostitutes, pornography, and “pay for gay.”) I wouldn’t necessarily call these men “gay,” they are just profiting from the commodity.  With that said, there are gay men acting as heterosexual men to make more money doing gay pornography – it’s all about the benjamins baby!  Men on the DL (downlow) do NOT want relationships or even friendships with gay men, they just want to have sexual gratification.  Again, I wouldn’t necessarily call these men homosexuals.  I think it’s because I feel that being straight or gay is more than just who you have sex with.  There are gay men who have never had sex with another male, but may have had sex with females.  There are straight men who have never had sex with a female, but have “experimented” with males.  There are straight men who feel sexual attractions towards other straight men, but never “acted” upon it nor felt romantic feelings towards those other males. 

Men and women are sexual beings (maybe some more than others jajajajaja) and can have sex with just about anyone.  However, religion, society and imposed stigmas shape how we “feel” about having sex with the same/opposite gender.  I know a lot of men and a couple of women who really enjoy sex with their same gender, but do not identify as being gay or lesbian.  To them, it’s just sex – sexual pleasure and they would defy anyone calling them gay.  Now, they may enjoy having sex with the same gender, but do they want to bring that sexual partner flowers & candy, make them a candle-lit dinner, and/or hold their hand at the movies or while watching TV?  That answer would be a resounding NO!  They see themselves as heterosexuals because they have no romantic feelings towards their same-sex partners.  Again, they just like the sex but do not want to play house nor be in a relationship with these partners.  They want their opposite sex for all those romantic feelings.

While we’re on the subject of “feelings,” please note that I’m talking about romantic feelings.  Of course we may have feelings towards the same gender (hanging out, shopping, playing sports, enjoying a Spa Day, hitting the gym, watching chick flicks, etc.,) but it does not mean that we want to be romantic with them.  Incidentally, I would like to point out that most men that I know will never say, “I love him – he got it going on, check out those defined pecs!” Although they may spend more time hanging out together than they do their girlfriends or wives.  They’re more apt to say, “We’re cool…that’s my boy!”  Now women, they’re quick to say, “She is so beautiful…look at that body and gorgeous  face – I just love her!”  Now why do you think that is?  It’s because our society tells us that it is not appropriate/acceptable for men to regard each-other in that way, but it’s perfectly okay for women to express themselves and regard each-other in that fashion.  We are a homosocial society in this country, although we do not want to admit we are because of our homophobic culture.  Men hang out with other men - spending a whole lot of time together.  Watching the game, playing golf, and having a few beers are some activities American men do exclusively together.  They may even look for women (clubs, strip joints, and taverns) together.  Most American women are homosocial too.  What woman wants to bring “her man” shoe-shopping or for manis & pedis?  None – that’s what they have their “girls” for, to hang out and catch up.

In fact, some cultures are very homosocial.  The term “homosociality” is used to describe friendships between people of the same gender.  As a general rule, the term refers specifically to friendships among men, although women may also form homosocial attachments and bonds. Many cultures have some tradition of homosociality, and in some areas it is extremely common, especially in regions like the Middle East, where friendships with the opposite gender are frowned upon…let me repeat that:  friendships with the opposite gender are frowned upon. 

Married men and women often live apart in homosocial cultured countries.  Husbands eating, showering, and even sleeping in the same bed is normal in some homosocial cultures, where the men are “away” working miles from home (sending money back for their families.)  It’s also cheaper living with other men (sharing your lives and expenses) rather than footing housing bills yourself.  Where are the wives in these homosocial cultured countries?  With each-other of course, they don’t even hang out with their husbands.  These men (women too) have strong bonds with each-other, even love each-other, and are very intimate with their feelings about life with each-other, maybe more so than with their own spouse – but they do not have “romantic feelings” for each-other. Internationally, Italian men kiss other men as a greeting, Turkish men hold hands and embrace while walking down the street.  Arabic men speak to each-other with barely a kiss separating them.  Greek men hold hands too as well as the men in India.  Some of these men eat of the same plate (feeding each-other) and bathe together.  These are displays of deep bonds of love and affection in friendships of the same gender.  In our country, we would call this “gay” even though that sex (as far as we know) is not taking place.  It’s just a very homosocial culture – very homosocial.

It strikes me as strange that homosexual behavior may be punishable by death in these homosocial cultures, where living with the same gender and being with them 23/7  is like the perfect “setup” for gay/lesbian relationships.  There’s a stigma to being homosexual as well as a stigma for wanting to be around the opposite sex in these cultures.  In our Western Culture heterosocial relationships between homosexual men and heterosexual women (terribly known as fag-hags) is quite common.  However, masculine lesbians do not often have heterosocial relationships with heterosexual men.  This is only my opinion, but I think the reason for that is some men may feel that their ”male ego”  or “identity” may be threatened.  Some of these men may love the idea of 2 feminine women “together” (especially if they can “join in”) but not 2 masculine lesbians – not even one masculine lesbian will do.  Sounds like a blow to the male ego to me, but two feminine lesbians seem to appeal to their male ego.  I believe that some heterosexual men are attracted to the idea of two feminine women together, but I also believe that some heterosexual men feel, like they are “supposed” to say they are attracted to these women.  If they do not say so, they fear being labeled as gay.

Speaking of “identity” - your sexual identity is what you feel like, do you feel male or female?  People also confuse this with homosexuality.  Your sexual identity is the sex you identify with or the sex you identify as.  Some people prefer the term gender identity instead of sexual identity and it is important to note that the identity is not necessarily based on your biological ”parts” so to speak (transgenderism.)  There were a couple of cases getting national attention in the media recently, where born males transgendered  into females (post-op) to be with females.  So although born with male organs, they felt like they were females (identity) that happened to be lesbian (orientation.)  Some people said, “If they’re going to be with women, why not stay a man?”  It’s because it is two separate things – identity and orientation.

Sexual orientation describes a pattern of emotional, romantic, or sexual attraction to men, women, both genders,  neither gender, or another gender – it’s your preference.  That word “preference” is what started people saying that being ”gay/lesbian” is a choice.  Of course you choose your partners like anyone else would, but you don’t choose to be gay or lesbian.  Some T-Shirts use to state, “Yes – I ‘choose’ men because I’m gay by no choice.”  A large portion of the population say that gay males just wanted to be women and gay females (lesbians) just wanted to be men.  The majority of gay people do not have “identity” issues and really enjoy their gender and also enjoy having “romantic feelings” towards the same gender.  Some people used to ask gay couples, “Who’s the man, who’s the woman?”  Then become confused when they heard, “We’re both men, we’re gay men but men nonetheless.”  I think this attitude comes from witnessing some effeminate men (or some masculine girls) carrying on.  Not all homosexual men are effeminate and not all heterosexual men are masculine – not that there’s anything wrong with effeminate males or masculine females.  Femininity and masculinity may cross all orientations, identities, and genders and then again may not be specific to either.  Some cultures do not even define masculine or feminine roles nor have a “word” to express this notion.

Men (gay and straight) may “dress-up” as women for entertainment purposes (drag queens, female impersonators, etc.,) or who ”cross-dress” because it is a sexual turn on (transvestism) for them.  However, transvestites are not necessarily gay – in fact, most cross-dressers are usually heterosexual males who feel aroused wearing their girlfriend’s undergarments.

Hope this clears up some myths, untruths, and misconceptions about homosexuality and homosociality.  Drop me a comment below and tell me what you think or how you feel about it.

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